That feeling of impending doom? Don’t ignore it. The end of the world could be near, following a natural disaster or a block party with DJ Khaled, although most of us don’t think much about it. The history of our planet is full of near misses: massive asteroids nearly colliding with Earth, supervolcanoes, epidemics, the Cuban Missile Crisis. And these days we have Kim Jong Un, who acts like he can press the big red button just to see what he does, and other real-life Bond villains (and wannabes) with their own buttons. The near end no longer seems so far-fetched.
So why aren’t they? fallout shelters more common? No one I know has one, and I know a lot of people, some of whom are rich enough to live in million dollar homes. If this sounds like you, consider this: What’s an extra $60,000 between friends? This will give you a nice 200 square foot underground shelter, capable of withstanding a nuclear bomb. Too much? You can get a precast concrete bunker half the size for around $20,000.
If the world as we know it ends, you will have somewhere to go. If not, you can use the space as a den or playroom – useful in the event of a later cataclysm, as repopulating the planet might be first on your new to-do list.
There is, however, one annoying problem. Pre-planning of this nature can make you look like a fool, especially if you keep talking about it. This goes double if you have a dedicated YouTube channel. And a lot of people who own fallout shelters have made it their thing. This means that when the dust settles, those left behind will mostly be doomsday preppers, aka weirdos. Unless we want them to inherit the Earth, we will have to dilute the gene pool with sensible, well-adjusted people – the kind who would never think of building a bunker.
Trying to convince normal people to build bunkers is not wise. If you go this route, be prepared for arguments against your position, the main ones of which relate to necessity – or rather the lack of it. “I don’t need it,” says the man with a Rolex on his wrist, a boat he never uses in his garage and a piano he doesn’t know how to play in his living room. Since when does not needing something stop you from buying it? Prepare for the flood, lest you drown like Noah’s neighbors, I say. A false sense of security is dangerous at the best of times, let alone in times like these.
The masters of the universe, with or without a nuclear button, don’t know how to deflect a world-ending asteroid or an electromagnetic solar flare. They also can’t stop a tsunami, earthquake or hurricane. These are extremely complex problems, requiring a lot of money, effort and time to solve – which is boring. It’s cheaper, faster and more fun to build bunkers for yourself and hope, for the sake of all of us, that that day never comes. If or when that happens, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men will crawl into their hiding places while the rest of us are left to burn.
So I build my own, filled to the brim with Twinkies and potassium iodide pills. I invite you to do the same. Remember, you’re just a fool if you keep talking about it (like I do now.) But if you set it and forget it, no one is any the wiser.
If I close my eyes, I can see it: you’re in your bunker and I’m in mine, and I’m holding a CB radio and trying to find you in a post-apocalyptic world.
“This is Tamim Almousa, leader of the Build a Bunker movement. Is there anyone there?
“Yes, it’s DJ Khaled, can you read me?”
Damn.
Tamim Almousa is an editor and screenwriter.
