Number one culprit of bad days: perfectionism | Spirit and pleasure

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Number one culprit of bad days: perfectionism | Spirit and pleasure
Number one culprit of bad days: perfectionism | Spirit and pleasure
Stop a bad day with Dr. Anna’s Better Bad Day online course.
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If perfectionism is something that has accompanied you throughout your life, you probably both have a love-hate relationship. Sometimes you feel this part of you deeply. How he won’t let you leave the house looking like that and how he will scold you if you do. How he always looks and separates. Other times, you’re strangely proud of how far you’ve come – what feels like momentary peaks of haughty arrogance, successes of external validation, and that fleeting feeling of being better (no – the best) at anything in life. comparison. But no matter what, you can never really “make it”; we never really feel “good enough”.

Perfectionism is a bit like an abusive relationship with ourselves in which WE are the ones handing out intermittent reinforcement like crusty pieces of bread. Sometimes we get a sideways look – “That was decent” – and other times we get a direct look – “You’re worthless.” No wonder we continue to do everything we can to avoid the latter and no wonder so many of our days can feel brutal.

Many people I know resign themselves to this inner dynamic. They claim perfectionism as an integral part of their personality. I used to do it. This was before I realized, through my training and work with hundreds of clients, that perfectionism is not who we are. Rather, it is what we have learned to do in an innocent attempt to heal something that has been hurt along the way. It’s this reframing and breakthrough knowledge that changes all that: perfectionism is actually one of your best friends inside; he just has a lame way of showing it.

In Internal family systemsperfectionism is seen as an internal “manager” – a protective part of us that does everything it can to protect us. Think about the things you tend to be a perfectionist about: food, weight, success, work, intelligence, image and appearance? Now follow the thread and I bet you’ll discover previous scarring injuries in the area(s) where perfectionism is manifesting for you today. Perfectionism is simply doing whatever it takes to try to manage you and your world NOW so that thing never happens again or hurts you like it did THEN.

Perfectionism is not who we are. Rather, it is what we have learned to do in an innocent attempt to heal something that has been hurt along the way.

Despite their best intentions, our perfectionist sides erode our minds and drain our lives of time, energy and confidence. They break us and separate us. They are not durable and definitely not pleasant.

So what can we do?

We heal what perfectionism still feels the need to protect. In IFS, these parts of us are called exiles. The exiled parts of us carry the burdens, traumas, and wounds of our younger years. These can be individual wounds, like that time that thing happened that you never recovered from. They can also be collective burdens, like the unrealistic expectations placed on women’s bodies by patriarchy or the intergenerational wounds of systemic racism.

Healing is being with, feeling and allowing the parts of us and the pains within us that have remained silent to finally have a voice and a witness. We are told “What is in the past is in the past”, but this is similar to what Carl Jung said: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it the destiny,” until we heal our unhealed parts. we will organize our lives by and around them.

This is why we created the Better Bad Days Online Course. To help educate you and empower you to know that perfectionism is achievable and curable, whether you are learning about perfectionism or considering it as a way of life. In the five-week online course, I walk you through step-by-step how to work with the parts of you that cause you the most difficulty and conflict. Because the bad days will still come, but they don’t have to be this brutal.

Reclaim mental real estate

WE WASTE SO MUCH MENTAL SPACE TRYING TO BE PERFECT. When we can’t risk the potential consequences of just being ourselves, we replay and replay in advance what we will say, what we will wear, how we will keep it “together” so that we can keep our show intact. When you no longer feel the need, you just show up and figure it out as you go. MUCH EASIER.

Save time And Energy

I used to write and rewrite to-do lists if I made a small writing error. Talk about a waste of time. With perfectionism healed on a deeper level, you know when to really apply your attention and when to let it go, saving time and energy, two resources we always need.

No need to play defense anymore

When we’re stuck in the trance of perfectionism, we often play life on defense, orienting our behavior around what we DON’T want to happen. Ideally, our actions and our world are focused on what we want to cultivate and nurture. Healing perfectionism frees us to do more things.

Your being is no excuse

When we haven’t worked on or examined our deeper programming, we can unconsciously live as if our very being is an excuse. We apologize for taking up space. To need. For existing. It is a disempowering lifestyle that, over time, erodes our essence and vitality.

Gain more internal space

When our internal landscape is not dominated by our critic, we have more space to dream, question, and hear our limits and limits. We have room inside to explore who we are and who we think we should be. We need to turn down the noise so we can hear our truth, be clear, and navigate life, work, and relationships.

Work better together

When we are aligned within, we feel at peace. Imagine a flock of birds flying in different directions. Chaos, right? Now imagine them in a nice little V all heading in the same direction. This is how we want our internal family of parts to work together. When we help heal perfectionism, we make that part of us that struggles work FOR US – and let me tell you, we are better together inside than when we are inside at odds.

Join Kate, Wit & Delight and me as the first students of the Better Bad Days Online Course where I’ll walk you through the step-by-step process I’ve taken hundreds of clients through to heal their perfectionism, befriend their critic, and learn to understand themselves in a whole new way. Throughout the course, you’ll have access to weekly personalized lessons, guided meditations, and weekly live group coaching calls where you’ll learn the “how” of healing hands-on.

Check out my recent Instagram Live where I discuss the Better Bad Days online course and answer some of your questions.

More ways to get the job done

Find a therapist

I do this work with clients. You can find out more about my work hereand you can also find a nice list of suppliers on the IFS directory here.

Meditate

I recommend all the meditations of Tara Brach or Richard Schwartz on Information timer. I’m also an Insight teacher at @drana. 🙂

Get on your mat

It can be difficult to stay still and sit with our inner perfectionist, but yoga packs a punch when it comes to calming and soothing the nervous system.

Take it out

Walking does more than provide fresh air. It also activates both sides of our brain through bilateral stimulation, allowing us to literally process information and places where we are stuck. This is helpful when you’re working on something difficult!

Log, track and record

I think journaling and using a planner can be great tools for keeping track of our goals, progress, and needs. I like Kate’s products for doing just that.




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