Let’s be very diplomatic about something quick: life is weird. Some days are wonderful. Some days seem impossible and those days can easily turn into weeks, sometimes months. When that happens, we need our community to be there to hold our hand and take us back to the days we can marvel at. And when such a decline happens to our friends, it is we who must reach out.
Over the years, my friends and I have traveled through rugged terrain. Without the generosity and support of everyone, these difficult times would have been extremely difficult to get through. Even though my heart hurts when my friends’ hearts hurt, I find great joy in finding ways to make them feel loved; to show them that, even if I don’t experience the same thing as them, I will go through it with them, hand in hand.
It can be heartbreaking when someone you love is suffering. We think we can’t do anything; we feel powerless to change the situation. It’s true, we may not be able to change what they’re experiencing, but there are many things we can do to impact our friends’ well-being. when they need it most.
Here are some things I’ve done for friends who are going through a tough time:
A basket of well-being products
In my small circle of friends, we have made several, and I have received a few myself. My best friend of twenty-three years is the queen of this, and I learned this skill from her. Almost always, it will include a cozy blanket so delicious that you will have nothing more to want than to wrap it around you in a tight cocoon. It’s an immediate comfort.
Other things you might consider when preparing a wellness basket, besides comfort, are taste (a treat like chocolate or a bottle of sparkling water or another beverage delicious); pamper yourself (single-use masks, small hand lotions and lip balms are affordable ways to help your friend lounge); and entertainment (a book or a game).
These don’t need to cost a lot and they don’t need to be crowded. A few items collected and lovingly placed in a basket (the container the items arrive in is often as exciting as the goods to me) will brighten your friend’s day. I know that.
Put a card in the mail
Even if they live five minutes from you, mail has a particularly cathartic quality compared to a text or email. This is why I keep a generous collection of stationery at home. A handwritten love note addressed to a friend to tell him that you are thinking of him, that you are there, that you are listening to him is shamefully simple. I say shamefully because it seems like a dying action, but it’s so simple! And so rewarding for all parties. I will often slip into one of the these pretty little cards that my friend can open up. This adds a fun element in addition to surprise; surprise and delight, if you will.
A book of poetry
Small, digestible Rupi Kaur-style poetry books are a thoughtful gift when a friend is going through a difficult time. More recently, I sent a friend a book of Jenna Ceciliawhose lyrics bubble with positivity, love and support. Or there is The villagewhich speaks about the human condition in such a way that everyone can relate to it. And when times are tough, feeling seen is a welcome feeling.
Surprise coffee drop-off
When the pandemic first separated us, my loved ones and I, my husband and I found so much joy in dropping off coffees at our friends’ houses. The joy on their surprised faces! It’s such a simple gesture and yet it’s something they won’t easily forget. I speak from experience because my friends surprised me with coffee, and it is one of the greatest gifts. If your loved one lives far away, this won’t work. A gift card isn’t the same thing, although a little encouragement to get out of the house and treat yourself to coffee could go a long way.
Encourage their hobby
The pandemic has given me many opportunities to practice my elevation skills during difficult times. There was a point last summer when the weight of the pandemic reached a boiling point for my husband. The work was very busy and, frankly, it was sucking the soul out of him (he has since changed jobs). He loves to cook but for some reason he hasn’t spent much time in the kitchen recently. To cheer myself up, my kids and I gave him a cookbook from a local Minnesota chef. I wrote him a card, telling him I recognized the weight he was carrying. I encouraged him to get back into the kitchen, to do something he loved.
He fell in love with this cookbook, learning all about local foods and ways to prepare them. For his birthday, a few months later, his parents and I offered him a cooking class with the author of the recipe book. Every Tuesday evening for ten weeks, he participated in an online course, taking notes and trying new ways to prepare simple dishes. In a way, the cookbook gave it back to us. More than the book, more than the foods he learned to prepare, I think it was buying the cookbook, the handwritten card encouraging him to return to the kitchen, the love we had there. let’s put it.
If the person you love isn’t a great chef, you can push them toward one of their hobbies. Knitting, pottery, running: whatever they love to do, quietly encourage them to take it up again. They might resist at first. In fact, I think resistance is very likely. But if you can push them gently enough, it will really benefit them.
Life is a collection of moments and interactions, some beautiful, some breathtaking. It’s short, it’s weird, and it’s unpredictable, but one thing we know is that we’re meant to live together.
A night out (or at home) together
Of all the ideas for helping a friend, this is my favorite and perhaps the most important. Have a party around your friend. Design a party where your friend can come as themselves and talk about how they’re feeling, or not talk about how they feel, but just be themselves, without any expectations. My suggestion is to choose an evening in collaboration with your friend so that it fits his schedule and he is not surprised (you have to be in the right state of mind for an evening devoted entirely to you) . Then you take care of the rest. Choose the venue, which can be as simple as a house, invite a few of their close friends and throw a party to show them that they matter; that you care about them; that they deserve an evening entirely dedicated to them.
Going to a restaurant, to a show, or even to someone’s house is not always the best option. If so, a night together via Zoom will follow closely. Think about the baby showers or birthday parties you may have attended in the past couple of years. It could be like this: an event just for that person, and not because they are having a baby or turning forty. Showing up to support your loved ones is, in my experience, the best way to help them when you’re going through a difficult time.
At the risk of sounding trite, each of these ideas is more about thinking than anything else. While a basket full of carefully selected goods is wonderful, a heartfelt handwritten card can do just as much work for a friend going through a tough time. It’s just your presence and your willingness to do something without ask them what you can do for them. This part is important: When you ask your friend what they need or tell them to let you know how you can help, you are taking responsibility. them. They don’t need it; what they need is a little extra love and small gestures to remind them how important they are to you.
It must be said that if the difficult time your loved one is going through is deep, dark and very distressing, they may need professional help, which I cannot speak to. Therapy is a great option (I’ve been on a bi-weekly cadence for quite a while now). I will also remove the Suicide Prevention Lifeline website herewith a telephone number of 1-800-273-8255.
Life is a collection of moments and interactions, some beautiful, some breathtaking. It’s short, it’s weird, and it’s unpredictable, but one thing we know is that we’re meant to live together. And that means it’s up to us to step in when we see someone we love going through a difficult time.
The responsibility truly lies with us.
Kolina Cicero is in love with stories – reading them, writing them, getting lost in them. She also enjoys yoga, traveling, and cooking, Italian, and writing classes. His first children’s book, Rosie and the Hobby Farmwas published in July 2020.