“Feel your feelings” is advice that sounds like non-advice. Like, no shit, Sherlock. We are all built to feel emotions, just like we breathe, digest food, and pump blood through our veins without even thinking about it. And it’s true: We ride the waves of our emotions on autopilot because life is overwhelming, and looking at what’s bubbling beneath your subconscious can threaten the delicate balance of things.
Unfortunately, research shows Decades of repressed emotions can manifest in a variety of physical and psychological illnesses, from autoimmune problems to hypertension to cancer. In my 20s, my therapist told me that if I didn’t start managing my stress, my body would find a way to manage it for me. I could choose to feel my feelings or face a bigger, more debilitating mess in the future.
When I turned thirty-nine, those words carried more weight. My cholesterol levels had risen, I felt lethargic and listless, and worst of all, I felt trapped in my ways. I was too tired to use my willpower to force my way into submission. I no longer had the energy to fight or flee. And I didn’t know where to start to release the pressure without blowing up my life.
Dealing with my big feelings
I, in a way, blew up part of my life. I “exit” Wit & Delight as it existed in its previous form to avoid feeling the shame of failure. In the most debilitating and disorienting moments, a little voice would tell me to write. If you can do one thing today, it’s write.
Writing – through these essays and my morning journaling practice– helped me process what seemed irreparable in my mind. On paper, the stakes seemed lower. I could see where I was lying to myself, unable to face the truth. I could see where I simply needed to be loving and compassionate towards the part of me that felt completely terrified. When I kept it all in my head, it was easier to stay in the dark. It was easier to hate myself. When the words appeared, I was able to see my pain, have compassion for my suffering, realize that my experiences connected me to other humans, and, therefore, recognize that I was feeling what was true.
I realized that whenever we have a deep reaction to something – whether it’s joy, rage, envy or disgust – we experience those feelings because we care. Either way, it matters to us. And I found it really beautiful. It was the first time I understood that my feelings were not something to fear, but signs pointing me home.
I realized that whenever we have a deep reaction to something – whether it’s joy, rage, envy or disgust – we experience those feelings because we care. . . . It was the first time I understood that my feelings were not something to fear, but signs pointing me home.
When I look at old journals, I often find that I wrote about the same things over and over in circles. I processed my thoughts without considering the feelings I felt in my body.
Today I’m writing about a more focused approach to journaling that puts feelings front and center. I want to share my learnings with you because they have changed my perspective and my life. It’s because I listened to that stupid “non-advice” and started writing what was true, not just what I could cope with.
If you’re looking for a new journal, try one of these:
A Feelings-Focused Approach to Journaling
Many journaling exercises focus on thoughts, but I have gotten the most out of my journaling practice when I look beyond the thought, toward the feeling I need to free myself. I have often felt ashamed of my emotional reaction to things happening in life, but it is shame that keeps these feelings stuck. Journaling provides a safe place to express and process them.
When I start with what’s happening in my body, I have access to information that I can’t access when I’m in my head. No matter what is causing my thoughts to swirl, processing the resulting emotion and letting it flow through me is what ultimately helps me move past it.
My Journaling Prompts for Processing Emotions
Start by responding to the prompt, How am I feeling right now? If you want to focus on a specific situation in your journal, respond to the prompt instead: How does my body feel when I think about what’s bothering me?
So ask yourself, Where in my body do I feel this sensation? Do you feel pressure in your chest? Your right shoulder? Under your collarbone? How does it feel? Like an electric current? Like a solid mass? Is it slimy, muddy or spiny? Give the sensation a full physical manifestation: assign it attributes such as weight, color, texture, and smell. There are no wrong answers.
Then respond to the prompts, What is this feeling trying to tell me? What do I want to know now?
Give voice to the feeling. Let him speak to you without judgment. Once you let him speak, thank whatever came out of it. Witness what he had to tell you. Don’t assign any meaning to it, don’t try to fix it or push it away.
When I start with what’s happening in my body, I have access to information that I can’t access when I’m in my head.
Journaling Takes Practice
If this process seems overwhelming or your emotions are difficult to release, remember this: journaling takes practice. Over time, its effects become more and more profound. I encourage you to engage in the process once a day for a week, ideally in the morning (or when you generally feel most clear-headed). Throughout the week, if you notice something that triggers you, write down the thought and/or feeling while it’s on your mind instead of pushing it away. You can then come back to it later in your journal.
I hope you at least consider what you consciously experience as the tip of the iceberg of what you experience unconsciously. Avoiding our emotions is a form of control. We are the ones holding on to what hurts, because changing and releasing the things that hurt us means we are entering an unknown part of ourselves – an unknown future where we aren’t sure what to expect. So give yourself some grace. This may seem like something we should easily be able to do, but most of us have been conditioned to contain the truth of our feelings. As a result, we exclude a wonderful kind of inner wisdom and a deeper connection with the world around us.
Kate is the founder of Wit & Delight. She is currently learning to play tennis and it’s forever test the limits of your creative muscle. Follow her on Instagram at @witanddelight_.